What If The One Thing You Want
by YouDontEvenHaveToKnock
Summary: is the one thing you can't have . . .
1. Chapter 1

_Hey Everyone,_

_I've been working on this fic but I can't seem to get it to go right. I wasn't going to post it but it's on my computer and I seem to keep going back to edit it or change things. It's just one part, the only reason I wrote it was after I had hoped for a scene like it in Coronation Street but it didn't happen. I hope you like it. :-)_

_x_


	2. Chapter 2

Four days later. Four days of pure emotional and physical torture.

Carla was sitting in her flat on the couch while Maria was in the bath, the flat in which she had been attacked in only days earlier. Whenever she was in there she found that she would have to fight herself to try and stop the memories of what had happened playing over and over again. Carla was grateful for Maria staying but it didn't help how she was feeling or make it any better. It was like she was having an internal battle with herself and it was one that she couldn't seem to win. She shifted on the couch a little, only a tiny distance away from where _it_ happened. She still struggled to say the word, whenever she tried it was like it was going to choke her. The thought made her stomach churn and she tilted her head back on the couch a little to try and stop herself from throwing up on the spot. Carla had no idea how she was supposed to get over what happened or if it was even possible. She chewed n her bottom lip as she mulled a thought over in her mind, she had thought about it on more than one occasion since Frank had attacked her and changed her life, as she knew it forever. However, she hadn't yet plucked up the courage to carry it out. Now that she knew Frank was locked up it had given her more reason to go through with it and it was seconds before she had gotten up from the couch and silently left her flat. Carla hoped what she was about to do would help her, and knew that she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it unless she carried it out.

As soon as Carla had stepped foot out of the flat her heart sped up and she suddenly felt a whole lot more exposed. She folded her arms over her chest protectively before descending the stairs. When she got outside the freezing cold wind whipped her hair up and bit harshly at her skin. She was wearing a pair of black leggings with a white top and an oversized cardigan due to the weight that she had shed, her clothing was no match for how cold the wind was and she considered going back to get a jacket, but it was mere moments before she decided against it, knowing that if she went back to the flat she would have more chance of Maria finding her getting ready to head out and stop her. Carla knew that Maria would worry if she was out on her own, but she also knew that it was something that she needed to do by herself and wouldn't have felt comfortable in telling the other woman where she was intending to go.

Carla walked further out into the cold and began the familiar journey. For once she was thankful of it being dark, it made it less likely that anyone would recognize her and not only did she not want anyone to find her in the state that she was in, she wanted to be alone.

Maria walked out of the bathroom, wrapping the towel around her small frame. "I thought you were talking to someone" she laughed, "I thought maybe Liam had gotten up . . ." Maria frowned and stopped talking when she found the space on the couch where Carla had earlier been sitting now empty. "Carla?" she called, walking over to the bedroom before nudging the door open with her arm. When she found no one there she immediately began to panic and ran back to the kitchen area of Carla's flat to pick up her phone and call her. Maria silently hoped that she would answer, but when her ringtone sounded through the flat Maria cursed under her breath and pushed her hand over her hair angrily. It was seconds before she opened her phone up once more and this time called Hayley.

As soon as the ringing, started time for Maria seemed to go much slower than it really was. She chewed nervously on her usually perfectly manicured nails and silently worried for her friend. She knew Carla was not in a fit enough state it be on her own so to have no idea where she was made her feel sick with worry. She had never thought that she would care so much for her given everything that had happened between them in the past, but she knew that she couldn't have turned her back when Carla had called her some nights back. When Hayley answered on the other end of the phone Maria stuttered and tried to get everything out at once. "Hayley . . . It's me, Maria, I really need you to do me a big favor . . . Carla's gone missing and I don't know where she is, I . . ."

She was interrupted by Hayley, whose tone was now full of worry too. "What do you mean she's gone missing?"

"I was in the bath and when I got out she was gone."

"Have you called her?"

"She has left her phone here."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Just come over to her flat as soon as you can."

Hayley agreed and Maria hung up before dashing up to the bedroom to pull on some clothes.

Before Carla had even arrived at the graveyard she had tears rolling down her cheeks, leaving damp trails on her skin behind them. She walked around to the headstone almost robotically, the grass crunching under her feet with each step. It was like she didn't even have to think about making her way to him, like she was drawn to him. In a way it was true, she had been drawn to him all of her life. Even when she had been married to Paul she spent so much more time with him than most people would have spent with a brother-in-law. Carla ran her hand over the top of the headstone gently before moving so that she could sit down on the grass, curling her legs underneath herself. Carla pulled her cardigan around her a little tighter, the darkness and eeriness of the graveyard made it creepy and she would have been lying if she'd said that she wasn't scared. There was a lengthy pause before she spoke, silently wondering whether it had been such a good idea to visit.

"I feel stupid, talking to you when I know you're not going to answer me. Mind you, I suppose it would make a change . . ." A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips, but as soon as it had appeared it went again as she spoke up once more. "You're the only person in this world that I want to talk to right now . . . what would you think of me if you were here, hey? I'm such a wreck, I know it, but I don't know what to do . . ." A sob escaped Carla's lips and she swallowed hard to try and prevent herself from breaking down, she could do that anywhere, but she couldn't do this just anywhere. Talk to him. _Her_ Liam. "You will never know how much I regret not running away with you, I think about you every single day and I miss you more than I could ever tell you, even if I sat here all night." She paused for a moment before adding. "You know, I think it'd rather stay here all night than have to go back to that flat . . ."

Carla fiddled with the material on the hem of her top as she spoke, a slight laugh escaping her lips as she did, deciding to change the subject of what she was talking about for a moment while fighting with her emotions as she tried to get them under control once more. "I wonder who brought those flowers . . . They're like those ones we stole, remember? I know you always used to say it was my fault but it was yours. Your mum was in a mood with you for breaking her window so instead of buying some like any normal person, you left it until stupid o clock and had me running through people's garden's with you to nick them . . ." she shook her head a little and bit down on her bottom lip gently. "I miss all of those stupid things we used to do, nothing is the same anymore, it never will be . . ." Carla whispered, the double meaning of her words very apparent and it made her fill up once more.

After leaving Hayley at Carla's flat with instructions to just put Liam back to bed if he woke, Maria had left and gone straight to Underworld but on finding Carla wasn't there she sighed quietly before making her way over to the pub. She knew that at least if she wasn't there she could ask people if they had any idea of where she might be. She would have liked to have thought that she wouldn't have gone to do anything stupid but with knowing how much Carla was suffering, she knew she couldn't rule it out as a possibility.

Maria pushed open the doors to the pub and the warmth hit her. It was just like a normal night in there and there was chatter and laughter coming from every corner. She checked every booth and every table, making sure that Carla wasn't missed if she was hiding with a drink in the corner. Once she was sure that Carla wasn't in the pub she walked over to the heaving bar and stepped between Peter and Gary before calling over to Stella. "Stella, Carla hasn't been in has she?"

Stella paused, thinking about what Maria had asked before shaking her head. "No, not tonight love. Why, is everything all right?"

Maria shook her head, "no. If I leave you my number will you call me if she comes in?"

"Of course I will"

Maria scrawled her number onto a scrap of paper before passing it over to the bar to Stella. She turned and made to leave but before she could get far, Peter stopped her by putting his hand on her arm. "Maria, what's going on?"

She sighed, "Carla's gone, I have no idea where she is and after what happened the other day with Frank I don't like the idea of her being on her own."

"But he's locked up, she might have just gone for a walk." Leanne stated.

Maria shook her head, "she shouldn't be on her own."

Peter knew that his wife probably wouldn't be happy with what he was about to say but he used the worry etched over Maria's expression as his justification for his offer. "Do you want a hand to find her?"

"I'd say yes if I had any idea of where she might have gone."

"Have you checked the factory?"

Maria nodded "it was the first place I went when she wasn't in the flat."

Leanne chewed on the inside of her mouth and though she wasn't Carla's biggest fan at that moment in time it didn't mean that she wanted her to come to any harm. As Peter had suspected she had not been pleased about his offer to help Maria find Carla but the knowledge that she would have expected him to have offered if it had been anyone else made her think twice about the situation.

"Do you know of anyone that she might have wanted to visit or speak to?" Peter questioned, the worry in his tone being picked up by both women.

Maria sighed and shook her head, "only Michelle but she's on a cruise so she would have phoned her if she wanted to speak to her."

There was a pause of silence between the three of them and when a thought dawned on Leanne she swallowed hard, unsure how it would go down with the other female if she voiced it. "What about Liam?" she mumbled. Peter felt a pang of jealousy at her words and Maria frowned.

"Liam?"

Leanne nodded "yeah . . ."

"He's in bed"

Leanne shook her head a little before speaking again, "No, Liam . . ."

Maria hesitated for a moment as what Leanne had meant registered in her mind, she had always known that their had been feelings between the man she was married to and Carla but she had never thought the place she would have gone would have been to him. "Do you really think she would go there?"

Leanne shrugged "if she is nowhere else at least if you check there you'll know . . ."

Maria nodded and gave a small smile before heading off, "thanks . . ." She wasn't sure how she felt about it, but she knew then wasn't the time to try and analyze those feelings. She wanted to find Carla and make sure that she was all right before she did anything else.

"We'll come with you . . ." Peter offered, finishing the rest of his orange juice in two mouthfuls before turning to walk towards the doors of the pub with Maria. Leanne quickly followed the two of them, she knew that if she didn't she would only wonder what was going on so in that moment decided that it might be better if she went with them and knew.

Carla was leant against the headstone, as she would have been doing with Liam if he had been standing or sitting there beside her. "I just wish that you could hold me one last time . . ." she whispered, so quietly she imagined the words getting carried off into the wind and traveling to some unknown destination as soon as they had left her lips. "I know people are trying to be there for me but it's not the same, they more not the ones that I want to be there for me . . ." Carla sighed, she knew what she was doing was ridiculous but at the same time she thought it was helping. She was able to say what she wanted to without the risk of someone questioning her about it. "Maria's been there for me more than anyone . . . Now if you'd have asked me to pick a person that would be as supportive of me as she has been she is the last person that I would have chosen . . . To think what I did and she has still done whatever she can to help . . ." Carla wiped the back of her hand over her cheeks to get rid of the tears. However, as her hand dropped back into her lap it proved pointless as more tears replaced the ones that she had wiped away. "I aren't ungrateful for what they've done I just . . ." she sighed and shook her head, unsure of how to finish what she had been saying.

"I feel sick all of the time . . ." she whispered after a lengthy pause, the only noise was the wind making the leaves on the trees move. Carla knew that she had already been careful with what she had said to Maria and she guessed it was so that she didn't worry. Maria had already done so much and the last thing she wanted was her insisting that she stay off work to take care of her and lose money, especially when it had taken Carla persuading her to go back in the first place. "I just want some to make it all go away . . . You know I have thought about dropping the charges. No one knows I've thought about it and no doubt they would try to talk me out of it if they did know but it's the only way that I can make him go away. I think if you were here you would be saying the same as everyone else, but since when did I do what you said, hey?" Carla reached out and traced her finger over the lettering on Liam's gravestone, silently remembering when she had made patterns against his chest as they cuddled after making love.

Another sob escaped Carla's lips although she'd tried to stop it; she swallowed hard and shook her head as her hand dropped back into her lap as she spoke. "I can't tell you how much I miss you, I wish we could have just gone away together, or that we hadn't left things so late . . . I know I'm as much to blame as you were, more probably and I will never forgive myself for that. We missed our chance, Liam and I'll never get over it . . . Over you . . . I still love you so much, I thought that over time I would be able to learn to deal with it but it's impossible . . ."

Maria, Peter and Leanne had gotten a taxi to the graveyard where Liam was buried and after paying the driver the three of them got out. Maria was first out of the cab and she didn't wait for Leanne and Peter as she walked off in the direction of where she knew Liam's grave was. When she walked across the grass to find a figure knelt down, huddled at the side of the headstone she knew it was Carla and her heart broke. She couldn't imagine what she was going through and though she wanted to help her, she couldn't help wondering whether her help was enough. However, she had tried to persuade Carla to go to a councilor but she was having none of it. Maria hesitated for a moment before walking towards Carla, she felt so many different emotions she wasn't sure how to react and for a moment her legs were frozen. Maria had known how had she'd felt after what Frank had done to her and she knew she'd gotten off lightly. But, what had happened to Carla was so much worse she couldn't even begin to try and understand what she was going through.

Peter wrapped his arm around Leanne's shoulders, as they stood a little further behind where Maria was. He knew that he hadn't been there for Carla as much as he could have been since Frank had raped her and that had been due to knowing how his wife felt about him having anything to do with her. However, at that moment in time as Carla crouched by Liam's grave he couldn't help feeling guilty about not being there for her. Had she felt like she had no other choice but to come here, was her support network really that lacking? As much as he tried to he denied that his feelings for her were any more than friendly, he knew they were much more than that deep down. As he stood there all he wanted to go was go over and take her home and stay with her until she felt better. He knew that he would worry about her even more than he had been and the one thought that kept coming back to him was him wondering how long he could continue to keep his growing feeling's for the raven haired woman a secret from his wife.

Maria reached out and placed her hand on Carla's shoulder as she spoke softly to her. "Carla," she whispered.

Carla jumped in shock at the touch and the voice that came from behind her. She was powerless to stop her body from beginning to tremble immediately and she silently cursed herself for it. As she turned around Maria could tell that she had been crying and she sighed. "Come here . . ." she reached out and wrapped her arms around Carla to pull her into an embrace, which she willingly fell into. "You're freezing cold Carla, you shouldn't be sitting out here. Come on . . ." She was worried enough for the broken woman in her arms as it was, let alone if she had an illness to deal with on top of everything else that had happened to her.

Carla couldn't stop the tears when she felt Maria's arms around her, pulling her into a warm hug. When Maria spoke about leaving, Carla shook her head a little before speaking again, "no, I want to say bye, just give me a minute please . . ."

Maria moved back a little and nodded, "I'll just be over there . . ." She gestured to where Leanne and Peter were standing and Carla nodded. She wondered why they had come with Maria to try and find her but she knew that if she didn't ask them she wouldn't know and at that moment in time it wasn't something that she could bring herself to do. Maria stood and walked over to where she had told Carla she would be, and once she was there, Carla turned back to the headstone and whispered quietly.

"I don't know how they found me so quickly, it seems I'm not as good at hiding as I thought I was . . . I hope you are somewhere and you know what I've said and know I meant it . . . I love you Leebugs . . ." she kissed the tip of her finger and pressed it against the cold stone before standing up and walking over to where Maria was.


End file.
